I am not enough.

For the longest time, I thought I am a good mum. I thought I have been doing it right and enough to bring up my girls the right way. I thought I have been managing the whole family life thing right.

But I was wrong.

I am not enough.

I am not patient enough. I wish for more patience when talking to my girls. I wish to be more caring and considering when teaching the rights and wrongs. Ayra is only 3 going to 4, she is still a baby needing lots of good examples to learn from. And I have not being doing my 100% to set the tone right.

I am not caring enough. I know very well some things I said and the actions I do will hurt my little ones. I know very well I shouldn't have said that or threw the iPad to the corner just so to show how angry I was. All these are bad examples and I am the one that is doing it. I am such a bad person at controlling my emotions especially when trying to get Ayra to listen to me.

I am not understanding enough. Many times out of frustration or tiredness Ayra will throw a big tantrum and I know she is still learning to control and learning what is right and wrong. But I failed to understand what she was trying to tell me, failed to understand how she felt at the point of anger. I failed to understand my girl.

I am not doing it enough to let Ayra learn the good habit of following to routines nor daily tasks. I am not doing it enough to cultivate the right time to sleep and wake up or getting to school on time. I failed to set all these right from the start. And now I struggle everyday to put some routine into our lives.

I want to be a better mum. I want to be a more loving mum. I want to be the best for my girls. I want to feel that I have done enough. Is it really that hard?

From February (today) onwards I need to be more than enough. I need to have double the tolerance, double the patiences, double the caring, double the love, double the strength, double the energy and double of myself. With Zara moving back home and starting a brand new routine of going to school everyday, things are going to be even crazier for me. Will I be able to handle all these? Will I be able to be the loving mum I want to be?

I hope I can. And I will.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="1024"]The Loving Mum at Universal Studio Singapore with Elmo Had a fun day out with my girls on the last Friday of January, just before all the storm and stressful days begin in February.[/caption]

PS: Expect lots of delays in emails, delays in blog posts, delays in work in general over the next 2 to 3 weeks. The Loving Mum has got to do what a loving mum has got to do. Being a mum.